Incredible work, Dale. You really nailed the vibe on this. Twisted. Disturbing. Psychotic. Love it.

wow.. very hauntigly scaryy.. powerful and tense! big up!

wow! yehh it has got the tension to the unknown 🙂
love the record with the arrow too , hint hint ;))))

Thanks for that Petra, greatly appreciated !

JB

Wow! Chilling atmosphere that omen thrilling tension! Great job!

Great track!!!!

Hello Dave and all,

I can’t just help it wanting to keep reading and reading. In fact I hungry for more than ever. Brilliant, thrilling, breathtaking and suspense-filled.

Sets the pace for more revelations. More actions. Smart Dog “HEC WALLER” is he?

Cheers,

Ebuka

Yes, good. I found the Dowd/Teicher interaction a little bit more interesting. The only problem may be that the in business with the bomb/mine, the action was a little confusing and also has one wondering if the bomb disposal is part of the premise, especially if thee’s a fatality, but I assume not it just gets Dowd into hospital.

I should read it again later. Visual imaging isn’t clear yet this early in the morning for me but one detail’s been bugging me.. If you see someone with dried blood all over them, wouldn’t you assume they’re already dead? I don’t think he needed to check for a pulse. Do we get a WTF moment at the end of the pilot? I’d like to read the rest of it. ^_^

Great work David, It’s so well written.
I want to know what happens next!

Tim

Liked what I’ve read thus far, David. Got me hooked. Nice beginning. Though, if I can be a bit critical, I was not impressed with Freisner’s lines. Less is more here I think. An uncertain/smug smile would telegraph a lot more than an obvious set-up of dislike between Dowd and he. Teicher’s character is intriguing. Wanted to know more. But that’s good. The dog worried me a bit, but I do not know where this part of the story is going, so I’m prepared for a man/hero to have a best friend in the midst of hell. 🙂

I am entertained … but a bit confused by some of the dialogue … perhaps I have to read it again, but it’s kinda like when someone is talking with references to things that are only in their own head, so no one else can understand … I wasn’t getting the conversation that was happening

TRANSITIONS AND CAMERA DIRECTIONS
I received some private feedback criticising the lack of TRANSITIONS and CAMERA DIRECTIONS.
Just to clarify, it is NOT the job a writer to indicate transitions and camera directions.

Yes, in a shooting script, no for a script in development.

No director wants to be dictated to by a writer. Planning and executing HOW they will shoot it, is their job. Let them direct.

Even transitions, whilst you may choose to indicate your preference of transition, why not let your editor surprise you? Once again, that’s their job.

Writers need to focus on the STORYTELLING outcomes WE CAN ACHIEVE and let the directors and editors do their job. They are the next LEVEL of storytelling beyond the writers but not the last. That’s reserved for my favourites, our long-suffering COMPOSERS.

Regards
Steiny

A message to SENTIENT’s female team members regards the most recent PILOT script.
We have just under thirty comments regards the new pilot and NOT ONE FEMALE VOICE.

WHY NOT MAKE THE SENTIENT, DANGEROUS FROM THE GET-GO?

If post there awakening the SENTIENT were surprised to find human survivors and perceived them as immediate threats then we would be at war from the get-go.

That would heighten the action and risk.

SO, where would THE SENTIENT PART COME FROM?
When the Sentient begin to discover a little about our journey, even become attracted to us in their second stage/ state, there may be a chance for some humans and some Sentient to find a way forward BUT this would be bitterly resented by the hardliners on both sides.

A few suggestions…
I feel the flashback scene with the trainees is too long and a bit distracting. Maybe use mini-flashbacks or flashes of memory as Dowd is disoriented and still recovering so it keeps momentum in the scene but shows he is drawing on his own training while under duress.
I’m not sure why Dowd would threaten Teicher with the fire extinguisher – at this point I expect Dowd to be wary but focused on making an ally of Teicher before resorting to threats. While O2 is at a premium, they need to work together for the best outcome. And so overcome their conflict, which is yet to be determined.
The level of Dowd’s facial palsy needs to be established. It immediately indicates a neurological issue, which could have been caused by the incident and the barometric chamber. But if his nerve damage is severe, his affected eye will have a very droopy lower lid and be constantly watery; also the side of his mouth will be droopy so he will have very slurred speech and will constantly drool. So this will affect his character and he will be immediately aware of his condition – it won’t be a secret that Teicher can keep, as indicated on page 9. Dowd can wear an eye patch (sexy!) but the droopy mouth and drool… not sexy!
Also, the blood pooling in the eyes like the dead people suggests they’re also on their way to the same fate – suggesting significant neurological damage. I suggest sub-conjunctival haemhorrages which look bad but are just the blood vessels on the white part of the eye that have burst, due to pressure of some kind. And maybe just nosebleeds instead. Also, should the dog have the same symptoms ie bleeding nose/eyes as the people? Or is he ‘special’?
Also, Aussie spelling for ‘dishevelled’ on page 1, line 1.
Overall, an interesting beginning…to the end! 🙂 AA

I’m late to the game, sorry about that! I really like it- no feedback from me, nor criticism. Really quite intrigued!