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Geoff Dupuy-Holder’s Draft One of Sentient UK’s Pilot script is ready for review.
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Synopsis
When her psychopathic father goes on a killing spree, Marley Winser, a failed officer cadet from Sandhurst, fights her way to the cellar, saving sister Dillion and herself from certain death.
When they wake in the morning, Marley and Dillion exit the cellar to discover the house wrecked by a mysterious storm and most of her family now dead or missing.
Review task
Here is the new, simplified review process.
1. Rate the work using the 1-5 star system at the top of the post.
2. Write and submit your own two to five, page review offering your own advice to Geoff and email it to the HOD.
3. Optional – Submit a one paragraph comment summarising your most important advice in the comments section at the bottom of the post.
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Reviews
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 27th, 2019 at 11:44 pm
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Tags: David Steinhoff, Geoff Dupuy-Holder, Presence Global Entertainment, sci-fi, sci-fi TV series, Sentient, Sentient UK, Sentient.tv
Posted in: dog, Help, Pilot, Sentient, Uncategorized, Writing
Hi Geoff,
I want to recommend the creative and artistic engery channeled in the pilot. I admired the story. However I left a few suggestions. I hope that will help to enhance the story even more. Kudos!
Geoff is currently away on assignment, writing a horror film. He’ll be back in the second half of this year.
This is a terrific pilot!
The CCT perspectives described at the onset were a nice touch.
Marley is well-grounded, highly skilled, yet flawed in terms of personal trauma. (I have a cutter in my pilot, so I guess I’ll have to take it out – lol) She’s a great lead. A compass.
The cutaways are perfectly placed. Pace is excellent.
Rahul and Gavin are well-etched characters though I’d like to see some “Radioactive Dialogue” thrown in here and there. Just a little research will give the scene an air of authenticity.
May want to ratchet back some of the flashbacks for fear of confusing an early audience.
Descriptions throughout were top notch. Storms. Chaos. Destruction. Sentient emerging from the water. Great writing. Dialogue, also on point.
A small note – The medic holding a catheter as an improvised weapon? May want to describe what “kind” of catheter. The wrong prop could unintentionally make that a very comedic scene.
The prayers overtaking the last scenes lent a certain dynamic, I feel. Foreboding. Eerie. I loved it.
The big take away for me, and I think I have said this before in earlier reads, is the whole Morecombre Bay sequence. It’s a game changer in every respect. The tension created by that scene, heightened by the plane crash, is second to none. Bravo.
Happy to see Jack played down a bit. In earlier drafts he seemed so much the agitator that anyone in their right mind would have killed him off the first chance they got.
Great work!